Living in Harmony…

Last we met, the littlest in the family were having their birthday celebrations. Both Ben and Ava are busy mastering Gr’up language and the funniest ways to see life come out of their imaginations. Both call me and are very concerned about their “Nana”, getting really angry when “Mama” calls and they don’t get to say Hi.

I get to see Ava, the way she faces things like a little 82 year old woman, in that tiny package. I wear a necklace that contains four little heart gems. Two are Amethyst(For Dru and Ty ) and the remaining two are emerald green , the color of May(for Ben and Ava). she was looking at it the other day, and I told her the little hearts were foe she and her cousins, so I can keep them close. She reached up and held itpointing to the colors, totally understanding the meaning of why they were there. The next thing I knew she kissed the locket and, so knowing, patted my face. Fireworks didn’t scare her, She was the only kid on the hill with her hands in the air yelling “BOOM” at every explosive charge. Yet two hours before rubbing elbows with “VIPs”of our borough, she was up to her elbows in pizza and M&Ms! To quote an old adage, so apropos here, “She’s a caution!” and constantly amazes us.

Now Ben is quite the little brother. Rules the roost and fills the shoes gone before by his two brothers very well. He mimics Dru, the closest to him in age, anything Dru can do, Ben can go there as well! He’s so determined to tell me what’s going on, and if Dru interjects, Ben has to add another two cents all over again. It’s wonderful to just listen to the cacophony as I Talk to Anne, the interplay between brothers so normal yet engaging and I miss their faces so much!

As for me the days wear on. Recently it’s been pointed out to me how much I’ve lost. That revelation set off a myriad of feelings I’ve pretty well managed to quell for the last fifteen years. Facing the facts that mismanaged treatment permanently altered an otherwise healthy body was hard. But now the consequences, none a fault of my own, threaten and have totally taken over my life. Anemia, several different kinds, require constant watching, and checking re-checking blood levels to make sure something doesn’t fall out of sync. And my liver is slowly wearing out. Pain and a huge lumpy abdomen are just the tip of the berg that follows me around. Years ago I was given blood tainted with hepatitis B in a blood transfusion. That has played right into the whole scenario of liver disease. So far I’m at stage three liver disease, one stage removed from the beginnings of cirrhosis. Already there’s symptoms that tell me my nemesis is pitching a fearsome battle. I’ve always been a morning person, tackling the chores of housekeeping early, to leave time to play later in the day. Now my mornings make it to about 10am before I have to nap. A few hours in the afternoon to cook supper, and I’m back to haunting the bedroom by 7.

Don’t know why I felt the need to write this all down, but I suppose it’s part of acceptance. At some point I will need a liver. I have to be coerced to eat sometimes, and even if I do much of the nutrition is lost on a small intestine that just really doesn’t work. Piles of vitamins, injections of iron and B-12, blood transfusions that still worry me since the first one made me sick, that’s a regular week. Fevers and pain are just a part of what happens daily, and it’s so boring to tell people everyday “I feel Miserable”. No one really gets what it’s like inside me, in my head and heart when I have to say “No” so often to the things that I used to enjoy.

And yet the little ones make me smile, my music makes my heart better for a few minutes at a time and I can look forward to some TV, watching the dogs play, and getting in the hot tub when I feel especially good(or bad). Life is still rewarding, small things count so much more and I find people around so interesting and needing to be heard. I can do that, I’m still here. I’ll be back, keep reading…..